We’re expecting!

Thank you all for reading…

We are expecting again and everything is progressing beautifully!

As you can imagine, we are thrilled.

Due September 2011!

Still here!

Still here, and doing much better! I am happy and think I’ve recovered almost fully from our miscarriage. Time can heal all wounds.

I am taking a few months off from thinking about all of this to focus on what I already have in my life.. my amazing husband. my family. my job and hobby. my friends. my life!

See you all in the spring? maybe earlier.. whenever I feel like writing again!

Like a Rollercoaster

One day I am fine and the next day I’m not. Today I feel perfectly fine and happy. I recognize what happened to us can happen, and that we are actually lucky that we were able to get pregnant so easily- hopefully we will be lucky again.

I am feeling hopeful and optimistic and I know that life is too short to be sad, that we will have a baby one day, even if it takes longer than expected.

I’m not one of those people who had to question parenthood. I’ve wanted to be a mom since practically the day I was born, and I’ve always been the big sister type to my friends. I love taking care of people, and I can’t wait to take care of our very own child one day. It is weird, but I think that having to work so hard for this will make us even more grateful than we thought we could be.

Soon enough we will be allowed to try again- we saw 2 doctors and a surgeon through all of this, and they all gave us different answers so, to be safe, we are waiting the longest number of months. It is so hard to know that we are wasting “precious” time, but in reality it is only a few months. We still have a lifetime ahead of us, right?

One day I am feeling grateful just for being alive, and the next I can’t stop being sad.
I am just a rollercoaster of emotions.

I’m not ok.

I thought I was ok, but now I realize I’m not. I’m just trying to make myself believe I am.

This weekend I spent time with some friends who were among the first to know when we were pregnant. I found myself avoiding serious conversations of any sort because I was afraid that the dreaded topic (babies, pregnancy, TTC) would come up. I would slip away just before I was sure the conversation would turn.

I also mentioned our miscarriage any time someone asked why I was more absent from my other blog than usual or gushed about how lovely parenthood is and when were we going to get on that train? I just couldn’t not say it. Much like when my mom passed away, it is easier to move forward and on when I am completely open and receive hugs without asking for them and comforting words too.

It was so weird to see my friends and not have that belly I was so excited to share, or stories of a recent happy ultrasound. Instead I was more quiet than usual and stayed at the outskirts of every conversation, barely even asking questions or participating. I didn’t like feeling like that, but I know that it is all ok.

Time really can heal all wounds, but I need to let myself feel sad when I want and move on when I’m really ready.

 

So I feel like oversharing.

Well, it’s been a long road over these last few months. While a couple of months is not a big amount of time, it is when your body is going on a rollercoaster ride. We talked about being ready to start growing our family, but weren’t completely ready. I went off of birth control and learned all about my body’s cycle. Finally, after several months, we were ready. We tried to get pregnant and we did the first month we officially tried. I couldn’t believe how lucky we were, but something wasn’t right in the pit of my stomach. I am usually laid back and I was so anxious, asking so many questions and feeling paranoid.

I was pretty sick and my chest was huge and my veins were out of control. I felt like I was living in another body and it was so weird and cool. I start to grow the cutest little belly. Then poof we have a missed miscarriage. I need to have a procedure and suddenly I get awful headaches every day to the point where I need to lay down or take medicine. I still feel like I’m living in another body. Then we have to wait more months to let my body recover and both our hearts recover before we can try again.

That whole process takes months and months from start to end. Everyone tells you about miscarriage rates. No one tells what happens if you have a miscarriage. It takes way longer than you want it to for your body to stop feeling pregnant, especially in my case (a missed miscarriage). Weird things happen and you don’t feel like yourself. I was embarrassed that I was still crying like a pregnant lady when I was no longer pregnant. My hormones were so out of control with the rapid decrease from the D&C and I just felt like garbage. Add that to the hair loss and the fact that it took me 6 weeks post D&C for my pants to fit again, and I was a wreck.

Now I feel myself again, but we are still not supposed to start trying. The waiting is torture, even though I can be so patient in other ways.

When I was a little girl and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I was known to say a lawyer…. OR a wife and a mom to a bundle of kids. Seriously! My life’s goal was to have as many kids as I could, and here I am at 27 with none and more months to wait before trying again.

I don’t want to wait anymore!

Hair Loss after Miscarriage

Did you know that it is pretty normal to lose more hair than usual after having a baby?

Unfortunately, you can also lose more hair after miscarriage.

After my D&C and recovering from that procedure I thought everything would be better physically right away. I didn’t know that it would take weeks for my little belly to disappear and my chest to shrink back to normal size. I also didn’t expect to lose the amount of hair I did.

I never had a chance to really experience the pregnancy glow or super shiny hair, but my hair had become pretty thick since I had been shedding less of it every day. After the D&C I started to lose more and more and more.

I would blow dry my hair and look on the tile floor in the bathroom and feel crushed. I’d use a piece of toilet paper to pick it all up and toss it, only to have to repeat the process a few minutes later after brushing out my hair.

I’d shampoo my hair in the shower and have clumps of it in my hand by the time I was done.

It was devastating.

For me, having beautiful full hair made me proud. It made me feel so feminine and pretty, even when I was having a bad day. Suddenly losing so much hair- to the point that I clogged the shower drain and had to empty my hairbrush every day- was horrible.

One day I became so upset by it that I burst into tears. Without the joy of a baby, it just wasn’t fair that I was losing some hair.

I am happy to say that it has finally stopped. Today I brushed my hair, and my hairbrush looked normal. I did my hair and there were only a few fallen hairs on the tile floor.

This was the last physical reminder of the miscarriage, and I am so thankful it stopped.

Why isn’t there more information and research on losing your hair after miscarriage? I know it wasn’t just stress for me; there is a connection to the rapid change in hormones that can result in shedding more hair than usual, but no one talks about it.

I feel thankful and blessed to finally feel myself again.

 

Babies all around us.

The feeling of sadness when I see babies and baby things and hear about new pregnancies has been replaced.

The new feeling is more of nausea, kind of like the feeling when you see an ex boyfriend for the first time.

Trying to stay distracted with happy non-pregnancy things… running, wine, manicures, late nights awake, etc…

 

The Traveling Husband.

When my husband travels for work I tend to get into these weird moods where I think too much about everything. Inevitably lately I get to thinking about the pregnancy and the miscarriage and I get really sad. It is so weird to think that I would been 16 weeks this week if everything had gone ok. I really shouldn’t think like that because it didn’t go ok.. but I can’t help it.

I hope that we get pregnant again easily and that the next time we have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

I’m trying hard not to think too much about TTC (trying to conceive) or starting a family or getting pregnant or whatever you want to call it. I’m filling up my life with recipes to try out, bike rides to take, and activities to do together as a couple. The couches that we bought when we thought a baby would be due in April are arriving this week, and now it is time to focus on finding a new rug to match. I’ll focus on anything I can to distract myself at this point.

Post D&C Doctor’s Appointment

I am on my way to our follow up appointment with the doctor after my D&C almost 3 weeks ago. I don’t know why, but I am nervous. I am happy my husband is coming with me. Will let you know how it went..

*****

So the appointment went REALLY well. Everything looks great and I am healing up well. I love our doctor so much and he made us both feel very comfortable. I am thankful my husband came with me because we both had some questions we need answered. I don’t know why, but the miscarriage doesn’t seem like that big of a deal anymore. I feel like God will take care of us and give us a baby when the time is right.

I am still enjoying my forbidden soda which I had given up years ago. I will give it up again as soon as I am done with this case of cans of Diet Coke. If I was pregnant there is no way I would be drinking that, and in fact I am surprised that I am drinking it at all since I think it is junk junk junk. Anyway, it is tasty and I am enjoying my forbidden treats. Wine too… but what I would really like is a cold refreshing Blue Moon with a big slice of orange. This weekend I will have one. I need to at least appreciate the things I can eat and do while not being pregnant.

I hope we can get pregnant easily the 2nd time. The first time didn’t take any work.. it happened almost right away. So hopefully this next time would be the same and we will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and baby. Only time will tell. For now… CHEERS.

And Two Weeks Later..

It’s been over two weeks since our very sad news (See 1, 2, 3).

We’ve since had some sadder moments, completely unrelated to our miscarriage.

All in all, it has been a tough few weeks.

It is hard to believe that just a bit over two weeks ago we thought we were having a baby in April, and now it is almost as though we forgot it ever happened. I haven’t cried about it in at least 5 days. My body feels (almost) normal again and we are doing very normal things. I have had drinks, soda, canned tuna. I have jumped around and brought my heartrate well above the recommended numbers while pregnant. I’ve done all things you aren’t supposed to do while pregnant, and not once did I forget that I am indeed, not pregnant.

Looks like we are moving on easier than we thought.

When my mom passed away, 9 years ago this week, I used to forget she had passed. I would even be startled when a stranger picked up on her cell phone number. I would just… forget she had died. And when I would remember again it was like experiencing those first awful pangs of sadness all over again.

That hasn’t happened with our miscarriage, and for that I am extremely grateful.

It is weird that I would compare the two because one was my MOM, the most important woman in my life. The other was a fetus that only had the hope of a future but no past or present really. Still, I compare the two because losing my mom was the worst thing I have ever experienced and it helps put everything into perspective.

Anyway, we are ok. Life is moving on, and hopefully with time and healing we will be ready to try again. For now I am enjoying my wine, canned tuna, and intense exercise in peace. I am enjoying my incredible husband and creating memories for just the two of us to share. I am spending as much time in this fall weather as I can, and I am soaking up the sunshine.

And for all that I am thankful.